Posted by: Julia | May 5, 2008

The Big Move, and … Bigness.

The new apartment is fantastic. The balcony is huge, the view is lovely, the place is spacious, the neighbourhood is killer. We’ve been working hard getting it in shape the way we like it, and I’m almost satisfied.

All of my jeans are becoming too tight.

As much as I’ve come to embrace HAES and fat acceptance, and as much as I’ve been able to accept my body the way it is, I can’t accept and be happy with the fact that I’m getting fatter.

The thing is, I have not been practicing intuitive eating. I have been overeating daily. I have been sedentary. I know that for many people, their weight is not so directly linked to their eating and activity habits. Right now, mine is. When intuitively eating and exercising moderately, I was about ten pounds thinner.

I hate being inactive, and I will be more active starting tomorrow, now that I have the time! The food thing … is a struggle. Intuitive eating doesn’t come easily to me. Overeating is my M.O. I only have extremes: I either overeat, or I diet. This is why I’ve never been able to “eat more healthfully” or “make responsible food choices” … I must either totally regiment my food intake, or eat everything I want.

I’m not a chronic overeater. I don’t eat past the point of fullness very often. I don’t binge. I simply eat even when I’m not hungry, until I’m full, and then again as soon as I’m not full anymore. I don’t know what my hunger cues are. I’m not even sure I have them anymore. I went through a large bag of chips tonight and didn’t even feel full. I was successfully eating intuitively for about a week a few months ago, and then it ended and I haven’t been there since.

I want to eat what my body needs and wants, not more. I want to exercise. I want to do these things because they will help me to be healthier and more energetic and happier.

But I also want to do them because I want to drop the ten pounds that have crept on recently. And I don’t want to want that. But I do, and I know that I will be tempted to restrict and to call my restriction intuitive eating. I will be tempted to push the point of hunger and argue with myself, insisting that I’m not really hungry yet. And when I do give in to my hunger, I will eat more than my body wants, again justifying it with intuitive eating, insisting that if I want to eat it for whatever reason, I ought to.

This was hard to write. I don’t know if this is disordered eating or just a struggle. I don’t know what to do to re-establish a healthy relationship with food. I just don’t know.

Posted in HAES, Intuitive eating, Weight acceptance

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Responses

Oh, I wish I knew what to say that’d help you. (Heck, I wish I knew how to help myself!)

If I was in your shoes, I’d think it’s a reaction (a rebellion, if you will) to my good-HAES-girl attitude of before. Maybe what I considered Intuitive Eating was in fact restrictive and the exercise I got wasn’t as much a result of what I wanted to do but what I thought I was supposed to do. The key it seems, is to simply let go. How to get there, however, is beyond me. I’m crap at letting anything go.

From what you’ve described above, I really think you’re on the right track and this is just an obstacle on the way to good times. Maybe all you need to do is wait it out. In the meantime, I’ll be thinking of you and sending you all the good vibes I can spare :o)

P.S. Congrats on the lovely new apartment! I’m green with envy ;o)

By: Bee on May 6, 2008
at 5:11 am

Thank you so much for your honesty and vulnerability Julie. Although I don’t have any profound words of wisdom, I can say that I’ve been there and am still there in many ways. I don’t know the answers but I do know that being this honest with ourselves is a good firs step.

Knowing all that we know about HAES and body acceptance, the world we live in doesn’t make it easy for us to practice what we know. I think in a lot of ways most women have “disordered eating” issues. Thats one of the reasons I wanted to name my blog Eat A Cheeseburger, because I figured the first place to start for me was to let go and learn to enjoy food again. As I eat, I convince myself that there is nothing inherently good or bad about the food I’m eating. And slowly but surely I have been able to eat a pretty balanced diet because I am learning to let go.

With that being said, it still isn’t easy. I haven’t been as active lately as I usually like to be and so I’ve gained a few pounds. Most people probably can’t tell but I can. But each time I look in the mirror and I’m tempted to criticize myself, I stop myself and say out loud “Embrace your female fat.” I remind myself that my fat is feminine, it keeps me warm and cushioned, it prevents my bones from sticking out (in most places:-), it will help me to bare children when I so choose and a list of other things.

The more I have been embracing the foods I like and the body I have been given and blogging about body acceptance and cheeseburger consumption :-) the happier I’ve been.

Anyway, this is a lot longer than I intended it to be. Congrats on your new pad and keep up the heartfelt blogging.

By: tiffabee on May 6, 2008
at 1:41 pm

Thanks so much, ladies. I’m just frustrated, having felt like I *got* the whole body acceptance thing, only to gain a few pounds and discover I may not *have* it after all. But I know it can get better. :)

By: Julia on May 6, 2008
at 4:10 pm

Welcome to Toronto! Michelle sent me a link to your blog. Nice to meet you. I’m Dee. And, um, I’m struggling with the same issues you talk about here.

By: deeleigh on May 11, 2008
at 5:59 am

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