Update on disordered eating.

At a request from commenter randomquorum, here is a little update on my struggle with disordered eating habits.

As much as I’d love to say it’s gotten easier, it hasn’t really.

I’ve tried a few strategies, including a food diary (nixed it after a couple of weeks, because it became too self-policing, as I’d worried it would), and then a pseudo food diary that listed only the servings from various food groups (breads, meats, dairy, fruit/veggies) that I ate in a day, in an attempt to learn more about my eating habits and balance out my food groups a little more. That helped me to realize I eat more bread products and fewer veggies than I should, but I knew that anyway. I gave up that diary a couple of weeks ago.

I’ve had some notable, short-term successes. Thanksgiving at my fiance’s parents’ house was completely un-traumatic. I ate one helping of anything that looked good, then stopped, because I was full. I’ve had several weeks when I’ve cooked a large meal at the beginning of the week (chili one week, stew another, stir-fry a few times) and divided it into servings to eat at work during the rest of the week, which is a strategy that has worked great both for saving money and for ensuring I get a good mix of food groups into my day. There have been many days, though not usually more than one or two in a row, when I’ve thought back over everything I’d eaten that day and been satisfied that it had nourished me and that I’d honoured my hunger and fullness cues.

I’ve also had days, or stretches of several days, when I haven’t felt like eating fresh foods. I’ve binged. I’ve eaten potato chips for dinner. Conversely, I’ve talked myself out of eating something I wanted because it wasn’t “healthy” or I didn’t “need” it, and I’ve skipped dinner a couple of times because I’d “eaten enough calories” that day. I’ve obsessed about my weight and resolved to “be better” a bunch of times. I’ve gained about 5 lbs. since the end of September (I actually attribute this, literally, to seasonal weight gain – my activity levels dwindle in the winter, and after all, it’s only 5 lbs.).

So in other words, or to make a long story short: I’m still learning how to listen to my body and how to honour its cues. I’m also still learning to be gentle with myself. Intuitive eating and practicing Health At Every Size are on-going processes, and I think that my supposed failures are just steps along the way.